It’s been a while since I’ve posted. All I can say is I’m sorry, I’ve been lost. You might be wondering what the hell I’m talking about because here I am in my living room writing this blog clearly not lost.
I took a few minutes, earlier today, to read through my previous posts. I’ve noticed that I’ve changed in the span of two years- from being righteous to swallowing my pride, from holding on to my values to letting them slip, from being in love with another individual to losing him. And now, I’m left with nothing. Or so that’s how I feel in this moment. I don’t know who I am any more and that’s a frightening thought. I’m trying to move on but I don’t know how to. I would talk to my friends but I doubt anyone really cares about me. So I’ve decided to write it all out here. I’m hoping that once I’ve got it all out, I will be able to get past it. So heres a story about a girl who meets a boy…
I was happy before he came along. I had friends. I found my passion in music. I smiled and laughed and had crushes on cute guys. I’m not saying that my life was perfect, because it wasn’t- my dad had moved out and my nan had passed away. However, I didn’t have a hole in my chest that left me feeling empty- No, none of that left me feeling like how this one individual left me. It puzzles me because shouldn’t losing your grand mother and your father count for something? Shouldn’t that leave me feeling hopeless? Yet this person somehow has a deeper hold over me, how does that make sense?
I met him in high school- Grade 12. He was in Grade 11. We dated for a while, he kissed me by my locker- my first kiss ever- way too much tongue. We hung out during and after school. About a month in, he started ignoring me, it took me about a week to talk to him about that, which ended in me suggesting that we would be better off as friends, he said that it was the “easiest break up ever.” But then after a month, we started texting- we soon became friends and he didn’t waste time to ask me out again. It became physical soon after. We made out a lot. He taught me how to give him a hand job and then a blow job. Before him, I wasn’t exposed to any of it. He introduced me to a lot of firsts. He said that it was the first time for him as well. That being said, my virginity was off the table.
We were happy. Year One of being together was filled with dates, laughter, and basic high school drama. He told me that he loved me but I told him to save it till the perfect moment. I wanted to wait till I felt ready to say it to him. One sunny afternoon, we were standing under a tree, kissing, I looked into his blue eyes and I felt it- an overwhelming feeling- and thats when I knew. I loved him then in that moment. It wasn’t a love that I was expecting. I never thought I’d fall for him. But I did. That’s when we exchanged those three magical words that has the capability to either be the best thing or shatter your heart into a million little pieces. I asked him to be my date to prom by writing it out as a message in a bottle, of course he accepted. I had the DJ dedicate a song to him. It was a night to remember.
We were happy. Year Two and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We never fought. We went on dates, he was always over at my place because we could be alone a lot of the time there, and he’d stay past 10 at night. When he left, we merely continued our conversation through text messages and phone calls. I met his family and he met mine. He asked me to be his prom date and of course I accepted. I went for his high school graduation with his family. I loved supporting him, building him up and he did the same for me. I became more confident in my own skin. He made me believe that I was beautiful and that I was worthy of love.
It was within these first two years that I opened up to him. I let him in and brought down all those brick walls that I had put up. I told him about my dad and how he had left me with abandonment issues. I told him about how my dad had cheated on my mother. I told him how my own uncle had taken advantage of me. He knew all my darkest secrets and he accepted me. He vowed to protect me and stand by me. He said he would never hurt me. I told him that if he ever wanted someone else, all he had to do was tell me and I would let him go- he would never have to cheat or lie to me like my father had. He promised that he would never cheat, after all, he had been cheated on before by an ex and he knew how it felt.
Our first fight, was based on nothing worth remembering but it made for a great make-up make out session. Year Three was when I found out that he had cheated on me. I was sitting in one of my college classes and I received a text from a girl I had known in high school- I wouldn’t have called her a friend- just a mere acquaintance. So it was a wonder that she was texting me. She told me that he had cheated on me with her and when I didn’t believe her, she showed me proof. There were texts from a year back of him asking her out, wanting to throw himself at her, wanting to be with her. He was picking me up from college that day and I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me. I told him about what the girl had said, and he denied it. That’s when I showed him the texts. He admitted to it and cried. I let him go then.
Or so I should have. I had promised myself that I would never put myself through the same torment that my mother had faced when she married a lying, cheating man. But somehow I started making excuses. I blamed the girl, I told myself that it was only text messages, I told myself that we could work it out and he would make it up to me. That’s when I took him back- it took me less than a week. He wrote me a letter apologizing, took me out, picked me up and dropped me off and we found our way back to each other. He started college and that’s when things started going down hill again. Now, I pushed him away, I believed less of everything he said, we fought more often and I started saying hateful things. I didn’t want to lose him but I didn’t know how to trust him, I felt it would be easier to just start over so I ended it. He fought for us and said he wasn’t going to give up on us and I was so happy that he wasn’t leaving me that I forgot that I didn’t trust him. We were happy again.
A month or so later and it went bad again. This time, he started pushing me away. He started something that he had never done to me before- he’d plan a date or plan to meet up and then he’d stand me up- sometimes, he had valid reasons but most of the time it was merely excuses. This was when the games began. I retaliated by hanging out with guy friends to make him jealous- I wanted his attention and I was going to do anything to get it. Our relationship changed, I pulled away from him and made it a point to stay away from his family. I didn’t want to get to know his family especially if I wasn’t certain that I was going to end up with him. I started looking at the relationship negatively, knowing that we were not going to make it, and voicing myself to him. But when he started doubting the relationship too, I couldn’t let him. He didn’t want to see me so I traveled to him. We met up at a subway station and as soon as our eyes met, it changed back. We smiled and kissed. That night, we had dinner at a greek restaurant and we vowed to start over. We saved candy wrappers to remember our promise and to add to our memory box. We vowed to leave the past in the past and move forward. If only it was that easy.
We were happy again. We started going out with a couple of my friends. I had graduated from college and was working full time. We built our memories, going to places, spending our weekends together. I wanted to show him how much I loved him. We had developed our physical relationship, to what is more commonly known as “kinky.” I wanted to excite him and keep him interested. He wanted the same thing, he often asked if I was bored of him and even though he had never managed to give me an orgasm, I loved him and so it didn’t matter. On the other hand, I wanted to please him and he had many orgasms. That being said, he stepped up his game, he focused on me and my body and I had no objections even if I wasn’t finding release, I was still receiving pleasure. He stated that by pleasing me, he found his own pleasure and this only made me happier. That being said, he knew that I wanted to save my virginity for after I got married. He respected my decision. This only made me fearful. If I wasn’t fulfilling his desires, would he seek them elsewhere?
This brings us to January 2016. My friends had sex and where telling me about the connection they formed with their lover. My partner and I did not have as much “alone time” as we used to, so we agreed on getting a hotel room to spend the day. We bought cheap wine and watched telly. Soon things escalated. Bada Bing Bada Boom, we said goodbye to my first time. He was my first. And even though we had gotten close many times before, we had completed it that day in that hotel room. And would you believe it but things went bad again. Both of us being tipsy, we had to let our parents know that we were going to be heading home soon. That when I saw the texts.
He had been texting girls- 3 of them. They seemed pretty innocent text messages but due to past instances, I wasn’t about to trust him. Let’s just say, we left that hotel room pretty fast after that. A week or so after, I broke up with him. He didn’t accept it of course. I stated that we would always be friends and that kept our link alive. We texted and he picked me up and dropped me off as he normally would. I was slowly letting him back in. Besides, I liked the attention I was receiving from him. He vowed that he’d never be able to live without me and I told him that he would probably find someone else within a month- after all, he had moved on from his ex and to me within a month. None-the-less, he made it known that he was going to win me back.
Over that month, I focused on making him jealous. I wanted him to feel how I was feeling. He fought for me and I fought with him. He asked me out for valentine’s day and I refused but that didn’t stop him- he merely asked me out again and again till I accepted. I enjoyed being pursued.
We were happy again. February the 14th, found us at a fancy restaurant. He had gone all out, he got me roses and chocolate as well. I felt spoilt. Over dinner, we reconnected. He held my hand and all our memories came flooding back. He kissed me and I was lost in him- in the moment. It seemed perfect. And I wasn’t about to give up on him. After all, he was helping me through getting through each day. My brother is an aggressive alcoholic and at the time, he was drunk every other day. I needed support and he was there for me. I was so grateful, it only made me love him more.
Summer came along and he had to take summer courses. I had just given up my full time job to take a break before going back to school. I wanted to get a degree but before that I wanted to have a summer of a life-time. It didn’t go as well as I hoped. He went to college to make up for the courses he had failed in, and he worked weekends- so we didn’t spend as much time together as I had hoped. He also had family vacations, which reduced the time we had together. But it didn’t stop us from being happy and we made the most of it. He wanted me to spend more time with his family and I wanted him to see that I wanted our relationship to work out, so I made more of an effort to see his folk. I wanted to make an effort for him, to treat him, to be fun for him, to be the reason behind his smile. I took him out for his birthday, it was simple, just an ice cream date. I just wanted to spend the day with him, to hold him and love him. We were happy.
And then, we were not. August- a week before my birthday, we walked by our old high school where we first met, we talked till it was dark and the stars were shining down on us. We laughed and spoke about how far we’d come and the memories we had made together. And then he walked me home and kissed me goodnight. That’s the last perfect memory I have of us together before all hell broke loose. A few days later, I found that he had started to add random girls on social media and he’d like obscene pictures of them. In that moment, I felt that I wasn’t good enough for him. Everything that he had said to me about being the only one for him, being beautiful, being his and him being mine- all of what he had said seemed so far from the truth. I felt that he was constantly seeking out other women and I would never be sufficient. I wanted to end it but I needed to see him. We needed to have a face to face conversation. I never got the chance. He avoided me for over a month, texting me only when he wanted, ignoring my texts the rest of the time. The more that I told him that him being on social media was effecting me, the more he was on it. My insecurities rose and the only way I felt I could get his attention was by lying myself. I made up instances where I was out having fun to try to make him jealous, I told him to move on from me, I told him to go after those girls that were clearly more appealing. I wanted his attention but I was also pushing him away. He wouldn’t accept me breaking up with him but he also refused to see me. Rather, he’d say that he would come and then he wouldn’t.
I was tired. I had become the girlfriend from hell- over bearing, nagging, fighting all the time, with not an ounce of trust. I wasn’t this person and I did not want to continue this way. I loved him but he did not want to see me. He said that he loved me but he wasn’t showing it. September started and so did college for both of us. He was all the more busy and all I wanted was for him to show up and just hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright- that we would work through it. I wanted him to tell me that in person but I also knew that he wasn’t going to. So over the next few days, I ended our relationship over and over again, I was mean so that he would hate me which would make it easier for him to stop holding on. After all, he was avoiding me and so I used that as my excuse to keep this going. When he’d ask me about my day, I would merely brush it off and go back to fighting with him. He was better off without me.
The day it ended was the day after our anniversary- September 20. I had broken up with him yet again on our anniversary- he hadn’t even acknowledged that it was our anniversary and I didn’t know how much longer we were going to keep lying to ourselves that we were going to make this work. I told him that it was done, that he was a lesson that was sent for me to learn from, I told him that I didn’t want closure, I told him that I wanted nothing from him. The next day, however, I changed my mind. I wanted him to end it with me. I told him that I needed closure. But it was a lie. In that moment, I wanted him to fight for us, I wanted him to make it better, I didn’t want closure- I only wanted him. But closure was what I asked for and closure was what I finally got. He ended it with me.
Two days later, I went to him- after all I hadn’t seen him for over a month and I was hoping that by looking into each other’s eyes, it would all come rushing back and we would fall in love all over again. Unfortunately, I didn’t receive what I was hoping for. He held my hand but not like he used to. He kissed me but not like he used to. I told him that I wanted him and that I wanted to fight for our relationship but when I asked him what he wanted, he merely stated that he didn’t know. He said that it wasn’t going to be the last time that we saw each other and that he just wanted to focus on his studies for a while. I tried showing him that I loved him and that I wanted him but he gazed at me through blank cool blue eyes. It was as if I was talking to a stranger. He wanted time to think so I readily agreed, as long as I was not losing him. He dropped me at the subway station, gave me a kiss and a long hug. We then walked away from each other. I glanced back to see him glance back at me. It was like a farewell scene from a movie. Any one looking at us would have thought that we were so happy. But in all honesty, it was the saddest moment that I’ve ever experienced. And it was the last time I ever saw him.
I gave him the space he asked for but I did not know how to not talk to him. I did not know how to not have him in my life. That weekend, when I texted him, he told me that he couldn’t do it. He wanted to be friends and said that he needed a break. I reminded him that he had once said that he would never leave me and he said that he would always be my best friend. I agreed because truthfully, I would take him any which way, even if he was only a friend. I just needed him in my life.
The last time we ever spoke was Thanksgiving Day. I texted him to thank him for his friendship. I just wanted him to know that I cared about him. I pretended to be happy so that he wouldn’t see how much I was dying on the inside. It always is easy to pretend through text messages. We passed on a few pleasantries and he said that he would talk to me later.
October 22nd was the day that he put up a picture of himself and another girl on social media. He then deleted me off his social media account and blocked my number. I was hurt to say the least. Being a realist, I had predicted this outcome a long time back. I had stated that he would find another within a month and he proved me right. When I saw the picture, I was shocked, hurt, and sad that he would never be mine again- because up until this point, I still hoped that we would find our way back to each other- and this picture cancelled out all hope.
That picture also showed me that he was happy and that’s really all I want for him. I might be in pain but if he is happy that is all that matters to me. I’m glad that he’s found someone and I hope she knows how lucky she is. But, I hope that he’s learnt from past experiences and that he doesn’t cheat on her or hurt her. That being said, from what that picture showed me, they seem happy. She seems to make him happy and I will never stand in the way of his happiness. I have always wanted the best for him in life and it hasn’t changed- I still want him to succeed, reach his goals, be in love, grow in peace and find happiness.
That being said, there are times that I just want my friend back. I’ve been feeling lost lately and alone. And now I have no one. My brother keeps getting drunk and my mother is always yelling. My father is no where to be found. My friends haven’t really noticed how hard this has been for me. I haven’t seen any of them for a while now. I wanted to find peace and happiness all along and now that I lost him, I realize that I was happy when I was with him and that’s what makes saying goodbye all the more harder. I don’t know how to move on from this- from him. Some days are good- where I feel like I’m getting back to being myself and other days- all I feel is pain. There is a void in my chest that I don’t know how to fill, and sometimes, I feel like I can’t breathe. And that’s why I thought if I wrote it down and shared this pain with the world, that I might just be able to move past this. To move on from him. Or at the very least, find out that I’m not alone if someone reading this can relate to how I feel.
If anyone were to ask me if I regretted meeting him, I’d say No. He was my first love, my first kiss, my first sexual experience- and for that he will always be a part of my memories. I know now that I truly loved him because in all my pain, I still want him to be happy, even if he finds it with someone else. He gave me many memories that I am thankful for. I know that he probably doesn’t want to ever see me again or at least, that’s what I understand from being blocked from his life- but I will always welcome his friendship if he ever needs me. He might not consider me as a friend but I stick to the promise I made him years ago and that is- he will always find a friend in me.
Right now, I need to find out who I am without him. I just don’t know if I can…
I’ll keep you posted.